Different Thoughts...

This is just some different thoughts I wrote down in my crackberry. It's about 6 different things. Some short, some long. Enjoy:



Why do I keep putting myself in these situations knowing that the end result is me getting hurt? I said I was gonna try & be different but it ended up being a disaster just like any time before. I went into this different from anything else. Not wanting to rush things & just wanting him to like me for me but it ended up that he didn't like me for me. Now I'm going into the summer alone like most of my summers have been. This is just aggravating because I know I'm a good person, its just letting people see that. & its hard. I want that person to just chill & relax & be cool with just me & them. Be fine with my family & my bestie. But it seems as though that can't happen.


Why is it when I'm doing well. no one seems to notice, and when I'm doing bad or mediocre everyone notices? That's the most backwards thing in life. Is it because they expect so much? Like I just never got it. Maybe in their minds bashing me and telling me what I'm not doing works, but it doesn't work for me. If anything it makes me back away and say fuck you and everything you stand for. Yes, I may seem as if I'm tryna be a rebel and be all against what "the man" has to say but in all reality that's not the situation. I'm just so used to people bashing me and putting me down that I'm becoming numb, yes, I said it, numb. Its like why even waste that much of your breath for it to go in one ear and out the other? Like what purpose does it serve to you? Do you feel better about yourself? Do I complain about anyone else. Your saying "oh your not going to school yada yada yada" that doesn't do anything TO me. That's SO mediocre its not even funny. Its like talking to a brick wall. But the sad thing is that they don't see it. My guidance counselors are trying to help and I see that, but its pointless, why even waste your time trying to help when you and I both know I'm not gonna listen to you, I'm not even going to even consider everything you say, ima just take it as you attacking me. I don't wanna work at Duane Reade anymore, what's wrong with that? I don't see the issue. But you want to force me to work there. You want me to deal with the bullshit I get paid 7.40 for. I deserve a raise, but I don't get it, so why buss my ass every single time at work for some mediocre bullshit? That's what I don't get now and that's something I won't get then. Its too pointless for me to comprehend and maybe that's the issue. I can't comprehend pointless bullshit. Do I want to work on that? No, what for? Why be little myself for something pointless? Process of stupidity I tell you.



I said that I admitted that I was wrong. I said I was going to apologize. So why is it that after all of that this lady still isn't happy? She wants to embarrass me and treat me like a little kid. Yes I understand that she now sees me as a female version of Peanut but I've done more for her than peanut. She said that I was selfish about it when I opened an account for HER. Its like nothings ever good for her. Like I'm supposed to be this super kid who does everything the correct way. Does she not know that I didn't say anything because I know how she is? I know that she's not going to say yes. That's why I was trying to take it out then replace it but she found out before I could do that. I'm not saying that her reasons for being upset are wrong, I just feel like the way she's going about it isn't correct. If it was done to her then there would be an issue.


Why is it that when I drink, we're stuck in this predicament? Its like when I feel like being a spur of the moment or just doing something that's not normal, it really gets to me. It really effects me and the people around me and that's not what I want. I just want to be able to do something randomly and just have fun, not deal with drama or anything. But its never like that. Its as if I hurt those who love and care for me the most because of my stupid actions. Yes, tonight I did have sex with a random guy who I didn't even meet at the club. Maybe jay not responding was a sign for me to just go home and not do anything, but the fact that I did do something with someone who I don't even know or care for is ridiculous to me. I didn't want t, but I did it anyway. I can't call it rape because once he went in, I didn't say no or don't stop. I just kept going. And it was whack. He takes too long for me and because I wasn't into it at all, it was worse than what it should've been. This was such a disaster and I'm the one to blame. Like, I really am. I put my bestie in the predicament to call her family and wake them up knowing they have to deal with her little brother and get very little sleep. I do apologize, but when I'm getting yelled and screamed at, I can't even like deal with it. I just go blank and stare into space. Confrontation is something I need to learn to deal with and I can't. Its too much for me. I'm trying to just keep my composure and deal with it little by little but its really getting to me. It really truely is. Yes, alcohol makes you say mean and hurtful things to the people who love you the most. That's what it did to me this morning. If jamie foxx blame it never came out, I don't think people could understand. When I'm under the influence, I really don't remember what I do and I really like the alcohol get to me. And I can't even really blame anything on the alcohol bcuz the alcohol didn't put his penis in me. It didn't make me get in the car, it was all my fault, and I need to deal with that. I really feel like I just need to go back to NYC and think my life through, real talk. This isn't healthy for anyone. Especially me. I was being selfish in this situation and its not even cool.



So I don't know what I want to write on here but I'm just gonna right about whatever randomly comes to my mind and then we can just take it from there I guess. So I'm just riding the train not knowing where I wanna go yet. I kinda wanna go downtown and stuff but then again I wanna stay in Manhattan. I think I'll go to downtown by the world trade center. Why did that lady really just bump me? Was it really necessary? She clearly saw me so its not like she didn't. Stupid shit like that pisses me off. I can see why Bunny hates driving out here. Its probably the same as walking out here. Its super annoying and shit. I hate walking up this damn hill for the E train. Why it couldn't be a straight path like everything else? Was this their plan to give us a workout or something? Its clearly working. Why is there so many religious people in this train station? Why is everyone in a rush? Slow down New York! I love that in New York there's a variety of things and people here. But the only issue it that you can't do anything unless your over 21. Which means anything under is a no go. That is unless you find someone who looks just like you and is over 21. But that's kinda hard if you have a distinguished feature on your face. I love this song Successful by Drake ft Trey and Weezy. I love the beat and the lyrics. Drake is mad nice with the lyrics. I do give him that. Why do so many people get off at these same two stops? Lexington and 7th Avenue? Why are these same kids always at this train station just chillin? Like they don't have school or something. I can't complain because I used to do it. When you used to think of Brooklyn you would think bad black people, but when you ride th G train it show you something completely different. There's a lot of Europeans. Especially by my school. Speaking of my school, its cool, it annoying to keep like going there because its later in the day. And I can't really do what I want because I'm in school. But there's a positive to it so its not like I'm doing it for no reason.



Just write, freelance it. Don't think. Well think but not think about it fully. Just let it come off the top of your brain. Close your eyes, and let your fingers do the talking. He's sitting there at the side of the ice rink looking at his fellow classmates skate. He wants to get on the ice & skate with them, but he doesn't wanna look silly.


That's all of them that I wanted to share. Some are a little personal, but it's all good. I let this all out to vent & to feel better about it. =] BlackBerry Media Player: Missing You-Trey Songz